ranting.

Over the past couple of weeks I can honestly say my heart has gone on a rollercoaster ride - and it was not the ride that you want to instantly go back on. A sudden breakup, a to what I thought was sudden loss of self, and a sudden desire to get out of this boring world that we are living in.

Boyfriends, friends, experiences - they come and go. Our lives have seasons, each one meant to teach us something, each one growing us and stretching us in some unknown way. I feel like this month however, I have been stretched and grown enough as I can be - but i know that's not the case. There is much more stretching and growing going to happen, and I feel like even today I am going to go to sleep and have somehow learnt something either about me or about living that I did not know when I woke up.

I can say, and this is not with bitterness or with resentment, that the breakup was probably the best thing that happened to me. I loved him, he loved me - but somethings, are really not meant to be (no rhyming intentional). I knew early on the relationship wasn't right for me, I knew when I entered it that I wanted some fun, some excitement and some love. I was sick of being alone, and hey my bestfriend was telling me he loved me in a completely non friend way...why not date your bestfriend? But what happened when I started dating him is that I started cutting parts of myself away. It started with my faith, and then my humour, by the end i did not recognize who i was. I would have told you that I did - i acted like I did. I laughed with friends at the right times, I acted like I had it together, until I was in the confines of my room and thought to myself, what the hell am i doing?

A couple times I tried to explain myself to him, to in a way break up with him, but I never could. So the uncertainty of what I was doing kept pressing on. I was pushing and pushing to keep our relationship going, knowing I would lose a friend if it ended - but the pushing just lead to me being emotionally exhausted and looking for other ways out.

Then one night, bam, it just happens. Its over, done...I would describe it as a car wreck, we were driving along, maybe going a little too fast - and then there was a patch of ice and we spiraled. Within one night words we would never say to each other came pouring out, anger, resentment attacked - I don't think we had ever said mean words to each other before. The next morning a friend asked...do you think you'll get back together? Without a doubt, I said no, we wont. I don't want to, as much as it hurts, I do not want to get back into that...for a week I was numb, for a week I honestly can say I sat on my bum and watched tv, for a week i didn't eat unless forced, for a week i didn't notice if people had spoken to me, sat beside me...nothing. Within this week though, i would say i had three good thoughts - one - i went and got my hair cut - every girl like's to get her hair cut. I dyed it, chopped it, and came out a new me. Can honestly say as I sat in th salon with a cappucino in my hand I felt like I could handle some life again. Second good thought - contact the people that know you best. That night I went to dinner with friends, friends whose main goal was to simply take care of me, whether it be through words or a healthy dinner. They did just that, in one night a lot of my soul and heart was renewed (I also ate two servings of dinner!) I was challenged, oo soo very challenged! I was told that I was compromising...I admitted it, I was. I was told that I was better than sitting on my bum all day and doing what everyone else in the world was doing...i admitted it, i was. I was also told that I was a wonderful, amazing woman. To that I could not admit to, but it sure felt good to hear it. So from all of those words I came to where I am now - my third good decision. I have applied to YWAM (youth with a mission) where I am hopefully going to spend 3 months in FRANCE (my dream!) doing some intense one on one time with God, and with myself. I am excited!

This season IS changing me, I am so excited to be finally doing something, to find myself again..you guys should try it. If you're in a rut, there's a reason for it. Challenge yourself, stretch yourself, do something that is scary or exhilerating. Just do something with your life people you will not regret it.

<3

My Nomads!

So, I'm not sure if anyone knows but my girls...my favourite rays of sunshine in the world have left for six months to infinity to travel around North America in an RV. They sold their house, their possessions and went off to relax, see the world and be able to have family time and follow God's plan for them. The one problem is though, I am here and they are...who knows where!

So as I am reading their blog, sending them an email and trying to feel like they are somewhat beside me (as I always see them on Sundays) I found a video of them. I had to share if with the world. This is why I miss them! So cute!!!!!

So, it wont actually let me post the video, but its on youtube...just copy the link!
Steph, you will die!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afH5pa4kdWE&feature=player_embedded#!

oranje.

SUNDAY.

nbg.

growing up, down, and every way in between!

I need to blog about something, but im not sure just what.
I suppse my life, because that is what this is essentially for...am i right?
Sadly, the only thing that comes out of my mouth is like a broken record player, "Hi there, how can i help you?" "Looking for the proshop, its just down the big wooden stair case!" and my favourite which alternate with the weather either "Great weather we're having today for golf!" or "It's a shame the bad weather you're having, make sure you have your coffee out there!" with a big fake, warm cheesey smile!

So lets get down to basics, the usual meet and greet sort of stuff.

Hows the job?
- crazy, busy, causing sleep deprivation, hallucinations, and im sure many other things that im too tired to be aware about
- job is also, causing tears, stress and the desire to quit at the very second i get the schedule every week

Home life?
- what is home? i live at work.

Social life?
- i live at work. social life = friends at work = sometimes awesome/sometimes horrible
- o right and school! which i am horribly behind in and i feel like i might fail!

and yes the ultimate girl question BOYS?
- let me see, let me see...since school has ended not only has my boy love life suddenly become this huge mess of confusion, uncertainty, and moments where i literally stand there thinking..."what the hell just happened!?" but somehow my heart has been tugged on by three completely different guys!
- Let us call them Bachelor 1, Bachelor 2, Bachelor 3
....get ready for this guys...my heart is moving pretty quick lately. Something new for everyone. I am the girl that in the past 10 years until now, liked one boy and one boy only until the next boy came along around two years later. I could say until this past year that I had liked say 4 guys in my lifetime and could list them off for you. But no, since April swung around and brought its shower, the thing that has bloomed is crap. total crap, or as my mom would say...bullocks!

Bachelor 1 - please make up your mind, or else im walking.
Bachelor 2 - mind made up, but heart not...me left standing :)
Bachelor 3 - this just in...new this week, literally a McDreamy look-a-like who asked for my number however due to supervisor present could not give to the cause... i get excited to go to work now :P Bachelor #3 - please show up again and melt my heart!

<3 peace and love, hugs and kisses, kisses and squishes - off to Aussie land in 11 days! let the count down begin!

sometimes you just don't want lemonade

it's okay to be upset sometimes. it's okay to be negative. in fact, it's even okay to feel a little sorry for yourself.

i wouldn't go so far as to condone it all the time, but sometimes bad things happen and it really really sucks. and you're allowed to feel down about that.

and i get it - everything happens for a reason, blah blah blah. but be real about it. chances are, the positive attitude is just a front to cover up the actual hurt anyway. and really? sometimes life just is not fair. so rather than always making lemonade, bust out the tequila every once in awhile. [figuratively, of course].

there is more to life than the bright side.


profound, i know.


in other news, the dutch are to continue and play cameroon on thursday! future world champs?

Can't help but smile

I know i say i hate my job way too often , but there are some parts that I like. Like wen a kid comes running on deck cuz they are so excited to start class or when we go on little adventures to the moon and we bring ice cream or when we make pancakes and put bubble gum and people in them. But the best part is the little hand made cards and "birds that don't look like birds " that you get.... I can't help but smile .

90% Vegan ... is there such a thing?

Since i can't consume dairy cuz i'm lactose intolerant and allergic to milk and i've also lost my desire to consume meat becoming a vegan just seemed like a sensible idea. Well that was until i realized that I couldn't eat eggs or fish which i just couldn't do. Sorry Ev there shall be many more boiled eggs at the HOJ:D. So 90% vegan it is.... this should be interesting haha . I may need two fruit bowls .