ranting.

Over the past couple of weeks I can honestly say my heart has gone on a rollercoaster ride - and it was not the ride that you want to instantly go back on. A sudden breakup, a to what I thought was sudden loss of self, and a sudden desire to get out of this boring world that we are living in.

Boyfriends, friends, experiences - they come and go. Our lives have seasons, each one meant to teach us something, each one growing us and stretching us in some unknown way. I feel like this month however, I have been stretched and grown enough as I can be - but i know that's not the case. There is much more stretching and growing going to happen, and I feel like even today I am going to go to sleep and have somehow learnt something either about me or about living that I did not know when I woke up.

I can say, and this is not with bitterness or with resentment, that the breakup was probably the best thing that happened to me. I loved him, he loved me - but somethings, are really not meant to be (no rhyming intentional). I knew early on the relationship wasn't right for me, I knew when I entered it that I wanted some fun, some excitement and some love. I was sick of being alone, and hey my bestfriend was telling me he loved me in a completely non friend way...why not date your bestfriend? But what happened when I started dating him is that I started cutting parts of myself away. It started with my faith, and then my humour, by the end i did not recognize who i was. I would have told you that I did - i acted like I did. I laughed with friends at the right times, I acted like I had it together, until I was in the confines of my room and thought to myself, what the hell am i doing?

A couple times I tried to explain myself to him, to in a way break up with him, but I never could. So the uncertainty of what I was doing kept pressing on. I was pushing and pushing to keep our relationship going, knowing I would lose a friend if it ended - but the pushing just lead to me being emotionally exhausted and looking for other ways out.

Then one night, bam, it just happens. Its over, done...I would describe it as a car wreck, we were driving along, maybe going a little too fast - and then there was a patch of ice and we spiraled. Within one night words we would never say to each other came pouring out, anger, resentment attacked - I don't think we had ever said mean words to each other before. The next morning a friend asked...do you think you'll get back together? Without a doubt, I said no, we wont. I don't want to, as much as it hurts, I do not want to get back into that...for a week I was numb, for a week I honestly can say I sat on my bum and watched tv, for a week i didn't eat unless forced, for a week i didn't notice if people had spoken to me, sat beside me...nothing. Within this week though, i would say i had three good thoughts - one - i went and got my hair cut - every girl like's to get her hair cut. I dyed it, chopped it, and came out a new me. Can honestly say as I sat in th salon with a cappucino in my hand I felt like I could handle some life again. Second good thought - contact the people that know you best. That night I went to dinner with friends, friends whose main goal was to simply take care of me, whether it be through words or a healthy dinner. They did just that, in one night a lot of my soul and heart was renewed (I also ate two servings of dinner!) I was challenged, oo soo very challenged! I was told that I was compromising...I admitted it, I was. I was told that I was better than sitting on my bum all day and doing what everyone else in the world was doing...i admitted it, i was. I was also told that I was a wonderful, amazing woman. To that I could not admit to, but it sure felt good to hear it. So from all of those words I came to where I am now - my third good decision. I have applied to YWAM (youth with a mission) where I am hopefully going to spend 3 months in FRANCE (my dream!) doing some intense one on one time with God, and with myself. I am excited!

This season IS changing me, I am so excited to be finally doing something, to find myself again..you guys should try it. If you're in a rut, there's a reason for it. Challenge yourself, stretch yourself, do something that is scary or exhilerating. Just do something with your life people you will not regret it.

<3